Ishmael.

Last weekend I was really sick; I had an ear infection or something. But, on Sunday, mom asked me if I wanted to go out to breakfast with her and Aunt Kerry, so I said sure. We went to the Delphi, and of course I brought a book, because I'm just like that. The book was Ishmael, because Bry had just bought it for me, and told me it was one of the best books he had ever read, so of course I was excited to start. And mom and Aunt Kerry were talking, so I took it out to read while we were waiting for our food. After a while, mom wanted to read the back to see what it was about, and after doing so, she said, "Oh, so it's about Green, and environmental awareness and all?" and I said, "Well, why do you say that?" So she showed me that on the back it said the first few lines of the book, "Teacher seeks pupil, must have an earnest desire to save the world, apply in person." And she said "'Must have an earnest desire to save the world.' So I just figured they meant environmentally."
So, since I hadn't really begun to read it yet, I gave her and Aunt Kerry the explanation that Bry had given me when he bought it: "It teaches you to look past just your life and place in history, back to the beginning of everything, and analyze every event that has happened so far and what it means."
And Aunt Kerry laughed.
And I had one of those moments where I realized just how completely fucked all of humanity is if the majority of people find the idea of thinking past their life funny. I don't blame her, I just worry. It scares me that people can be so cavalier about exactly what their life means in the grand scheme of things, that almost no one cares anymore about what all this crap is about, what it's for.
I just don't know anymore. I'm so confused lately. I keep looking for something to tell me exactly what my purpose is, because I know that it's something important. But nothing's coming, and i'm afraid nothing will ever come.
Maybe it's because school just started, so of course i'm in my post-summer depression, but this year it's heavier, more intensified, and i'm just kind of sad a lot. I don't know. I just wanted to put this down somewhere. I hope things start making sense soon.

memento mori.

you know, sometimes i just cannot understand why people feel the need to talk about other people. especially people that haven't ever done anything to them. i mean, does it give them some sort of good, 'ha, yeah, that's right, i outdid you, unsuspecting person' feeling? does it really feel all that great to out-do someone? and if it does, why, might i ask, is it necessary to take it one step further and talk about them behind their backs? to defile them, without them even knowing? without even giving them a chance to defend themselves? and then, to top it all, say it's because of them that they're talking about them like this. that it's something they supposedly did that's causing a person to go and gossip, spread stories and lie to other people about them. and then, worst of all, they go and publicly insult your intelligence. i don't know about you people, but someone calling me an idiot is pretty much the last straw. i am so sick of this stupid, childish crap. why is it so necessary? again, do people take pleasure in talking about someone else? is it supposed to somehow distract them and others away from their own faults? but how is that helping? trying to make yourself feel better about your insecurities by spreading stories about, and this is the clincher, someone who you claim is your friend. this is it for me. i'm done. i'm through taking crap from you people when all i've ever done is try to help and be there for you. but i guess that that isn't what you wanted? no. i guess you just have this issue where the minute that a situation starts to go well, you have to ruin it, just so that you can have a reason to tell people you're miserable. well then i hope you're okay losing every single one of your friends, one by one, because trust me, when you start doing this to them, they'll realize very quickly just what's going on, and then i hope that they'll be smart enough to get out before this happens.
i can't believe you sank this low. but hey, you just proved it's possible.